praying for scooters to start

i was born when i met you 

it was fun and it was new 

i inhaled your words 

and exhaled my expectations 

as we exchanged dreams 

and our fathers occupations 

i wish i knew then 

what i've learned over again 

that someone can love you more 

than you ever that you could feel

and that my heart would fall

and that this love is real 

things that matter and things that dont

things that do:

my little brothers happiness

how comfy my shoes are 

feeling safe and being safe 

hard work 

parents 

my parents parents 

time spent 

him 

wearing sunscreen 

feeding yourself healthy food 

god 

picking up my sister when it's raining 

waiting for tea to cool 

my skin 

remembering to take pictures 

smiling 

going to see my sisters room when she redecorates

loving the weather 

things that don't: 

competition 

people who are further ahead in life than me 

the color of my bedsheets 

working on a saturday 

copiers 

how often i shave my legs 

disagreeing on music taste 

who makes more money 

instagram fame

hitting a note wrong 

missing the party 

not finishing the book i didn't like 

long waits 

how about this

how about this 

how about we meet up again in 2 years, a little less 

how about we talk about everything that happened to us

and sing songs to eachother in foreign languages 

how about we stay up all night and all day 

how about we take a road trip and get lost 

and you can make fun of my lack of direction 

how about we make a deal 

an eternal one 

where we will stick together 

thick and thin 

how about it's a small affair 

and then we can run off for months 

how about you grow your hair out real long and i will too 

and we will love the winters because we will grow so close 

and we will love the summers, too, even more

how about we ask the sun to bronze our skin 

and bleach our hair all over again 

how about that

how about we do what we want 

and how about we fall deeper in love 

how about we finish school, studying art and whatever the hell you want 

and then we can get out of here 

and spend our days in the places we will grow to love while we're apart 

how about we go everywhere baby 

how about you study your dreams in germany 

and how about we take a train to a somewhere new  every weekend 

and how about you open your own shop 

and work with your hands, like you love to

and how about we have chickens and bees 

and maybe you'll learn to like eggs 

and how about i paint you paintings forever 

and i teach what i love 

how about we let our kids run with their hearts

and teach them all that we've learned

and we can live by the oceans and near the mountains 

and always keep very close with our mums

how about we don't let our memories end here 

how about that

changing like seasons

fall

i first saw you walking into music 101 

every tuesday and thursday 

9am 

your beanie on, shaved head, i assumed you were someone's

and we finally met at your concert 

you sang into the microphone with no shirt on 

i recognized you from class

and i was wearing a sweatshirt that made me way too hot 

it rained outside 

we said hi and exchanged names

and went separate ways 

winter

it was just going to be a regular night 

throwing a bonfire and inviting a few people

i invited him and he brought you 

i remember hearing you whisper "dude, that's olive"

and i blushed 

we drove in the car and i spilt gasoline on me 

i remember you saying that some girls were beautiful and some were hot 

i wondered if you thought i was either 

few days later on campus, you called and asked if i would meet you at the museum cafe 

i did 

you taught me about the universe 

i was supposed to be studying for american history 

but we made history instead

spring

we saw eachother every day after our first true date

when we rode your scooter to eat gross italian 

and watch whip it and kiss 

and nothing could make me want to be anywhere 

but right by your side

but life doesn't work like that 

so you moved back to california

and i moved home 

and i visited you

and you me 

summer

was one for the movies

full of fate and luck and everything between 

working at a camp all night and day

except for the one day a week we had to ourselves 

to dive in the sea and sail to ship rock 

and lay on the dock at night

watching the bioluminescence 

i watched you cry for the first time 

and we had each others back 

hiking all day and all night 

and laughing at all of the drunks 

because they needed something to make them feel good 

while we just needed eachother 

fall

we fell in love in a house of blue 

and we learned and learned 

from books and from eachother 

we stayed up all nights some nights 

painting on the kitchen floor 

and we fought

but always figured things out 

and we realized we wanted to be together for a long time 

but you were leaving soon 

so we counted down the days 

kissed in the library elevators 

and ate so much thai food 

winter 

you left and i'm leaving soon 

and everything feels good and right 

i talk to your mom almost every day

and i think about you almost every second 

and even though you're gone, i know you're coming back to me

and ill come back to you 

but for now we are learning and growing 

and figuring out how to be the best we can for eachother 

and waiting for our next winter together 

space and things

i was annoyed whenever i read a poem about how we're all made of stars. that our minds were galaxies and our eyes like black holes, drawing eachother in. but he taught me that it's true. that every piece of us has been a piece of one million other things. that matter is neither created nor destroyed. that we don't know if black holes are even real, but if they are, they would be like his eyes. blue and green and sparkling. 

he is stardust. he is unabashedly my sun. unforgivingly everything i've ever needed. he is gone but i revolve around him. making circles. keeping my perfect distance. with the moons i love revolving around me, helping me fall asleep and wake back up. and i hope he knows that i'm revolving for him. i hope to the sun and back that he knows it. 

when the earth fell in love with the sun 

he knew it 

but he had to keep everyone warm 

and spread his light 

and she understood

and she loved him for that

for his light and his warmth 

christmas eve

it's 11:00 on christmas eve and i'm laying in bed wide awake 

but not for the same reasons my brother is 

i spent the day with family and it makes me so happy 

i love the warmth and the love and the giving 

and the laughter

but i've had a pit in my stomach the whole day 

and i can't put my finger on why

maybe it's because i won't be here with my family the next time around 

maybe it's because i wish i was with you

and i don't know if you wish you were with me 

because as the 2 houses that separated us

turn to states 

and then continents 

all i can think about is what i would give up to be next to you 

holding your hand 

squeezing 3 times back and forth

i 

love

you

lately my head is a solar system and it's revolving around you 

and i don't even know how solar systems work 

even though you have explained it to me several times 

because every time you go on about black holes and time 

i'm just sinking deeper and deeper into your eyes 

and i'm giving you a big hug with my heart 

and i'm hoping you feel it 

and you laugh because you know i'm not listening 

and you don't care 

so you go on, and i'm sinking and hugging 

and i'm still sinking and hugging but we don't have time to talk about solar systems 

we don't even have time to talk about our day 

and even though i know its for the best 

it's like i'm sinking into something that doesn't exist 

hugging something that's never hugging me back 

and that's okay 

and i'll tell myself it's okay 

and you'll tell me it's okay

and it will be

but if i could just hear you talk about solar systems on repeat 

if i could just feel your hand on my thigh while i'm driving 

if i could feel your arms wrap around me from behind and hear you compliment my cheeks 

if i could taste your lips and your sweet energy as it envelopes me 

maybe this pit in my stomach would leave me alone 

and i wouldnt be wide awake at 11 pm on christmas eve 

unfriendly reminders

Things that remind me of him: 

bad parking jobs

islands 

tan skin 

abba zabbas

the gummy bears from sprouts 

sweaty hands 

the sky at night when you can see the stars 

the bottom floor of the library 

natural lighting 

the sound of a skateboard on the sidewalk 

thai food 

airports 

sailboats 

being underwater 

tipping the waiter 

bad sushi 

car accidents 

slammed doors 

long hugs 

sand 

adventure time 

christmas lights 

knee high socks 

southern utah 

not letting the car idle 

eye glasses cleaner 

the smell of gamsol and oil paints 

slow dancing on the deck 

I-15 

protein

my little brother 

everything else