christmas eve

it's 11:00 on christmas eve and i'm laying in bed wide awake 

but not for the same reasons my brother is 

i spent the day with family and it makes me so happy 

i love the warmth and the love and the giving 

and the laughter

but i've had a pit in my stomach the whole day 

and i can't put my finger on why

maybe it's because i won't be here with my family the next time around 

maybe it's because i wish i was with you

and i don't know if you wish you were with me 

because as the 2 houses that separated us

turn to states 

and then continents 

all i can think about is what i would give up to be next to you 

holding your hand 

squeezing 3 times back and forth

i 

love

you

lately my head is a solar system and it's revolving around you 

and i don't even know how solar systems work 

even though you have explained it to me several times 

because every time you go on about black holes and time 

i'm just sinking deeper and deeper into your eyes 

and i'm giving you a big hug with my heart 

and i'm hoping you feel it 

and you laugh because you know i'm not listening 

and you don't care 

so you go on, and i'm sinking and hugging 

and i'm still sinking and hugging but we don't have time to talk about solar systems 

we don't even have time to talk about our day 

and even though i know its for the best 

it's like i'm sinking into something that doesn't exist 

hugging something that's never hugging me back 

and that's okay 

and i'll tell myself it's okay 

and you'll tell me it's okay

and it will be

but if i could just hear you talk about solar systems on repeat 

if i could just feel your hand on my thigh while i'm driving 

if i could feel your arms wrap around me from behind and hear you compliment my cheeks 

if i could taste your lips and your sweet energy as it envelopes me 

maybe this pit in my stomach would leave me alone 

and i wouldnt be wide awake at 11 pm on christmas eve 

unfriendly reminders

Things that remind me of him: 

bad parking jobs

islands 

tan skin 

abba zabbas

the gummy bears from sprouts 

sweaty hands 

the sky at night when you can see the stars 

the bottom floor of the library 

natural lighting 

the sound of a skateboard on the sidewalk 

thai food 

airports 

sailboats 

being underwater 

tipping the waiter 

bad sushi 

car accidents 

slammed doors 

long hugs 

sand 

adventure time 

christmas lights 

knee high socks 

southern utah 

not letting the car idle 

eye glasses cleaner 

the smell of gamsol and oil paints 

slow dancing on the deck 

I-15 

protein

my little brother 

everything else 

Miraculous

is the only word that can come close to describing this love

this love is buying plane tickets and hiking across islands
this love is walking through the rain to find out that the indian place closes at 9
this loving is keeping both hands on the steering wheel

while i have no idea how many sleepless nights are to come
i know i'll always remember
the way your hand cups my cheek
and the way you talk about your mom
when we sat down at dinner and you said
in one breath
"let's say 5 things we love about each other i'll go first"
and how you introduce me to your friends
i won't forget your jawline or how your eyes change color in the light
or when you made me give you a kiss every time i stopped holding your hand on campus
i'll never forget when we first kissed and the world spun around us
and we both knew it was right
or when we stayed up until 3 am talking on our first date in my stupid dorm living room
i'll never forget the beaches we laid on
or the stories you told
and the way your eyes opened wide while telling them

i'll never forget the way you make me feel
like i'm worth more than money could buy
but if money could
you would
no matter the cost

He's

He's about 5000 miles away but it feels like he's in my lungs.

I have the way his eyes light up when he talks about his mom stuck in my head.

The more I think about it, 

he is a different world that collided with mine. 

I'm a broken record playing scenes of sandy kisses and staying up until 3 am talking. 

the things I wanted you to tell me

things I wanted you to tell me:

"my life got better when you came in" 

"id like to hang out with you forever"

"you're the most beautiful thing i've ever had"

"you make me proud"

"how did I get so lucky"

"i'm going to get better, then we're going to get better"

"your eyes alone could make gray skies blue"

things you told me:

"i love you"

a haiku for every boy i've ever kissed: continued

I
flip phone in my hand
heart pounding out of my chest
young love's just too weak

II
two of our talents
were keeping our secrets and
having too many

III
a reckless daydream
you were cold nights and long hikes
never safe or sound

IV
a naive heartbreak
i swear on my life you were
my biggest mistake

V
on long summer nights
we drove fast and kissed slowly
and I felt nothing

VI
you were an expert
at using logarithms
as well as people

VII
goosebumps and cold hands
i still don't know your full name
I don't even care

VIII
forty minute drive
you came to me every week
but I never you

IX
unrequited love
fingers deep in curly hair
now we never speak

X
three lines of a poem
couldn't explain the feeling
that still hasn't left

XI
cold and trembling hands
you said you used wikihow
but you never learned

XII
8 years I loved you
8 years I never told you
2 years til I can

XIII
patience and passion
long hair and sapphire eyes
i wish you were mine

september 4th

we met at the Latin Festival. It was fantastic, really.
we ate Mexican paprika corn and he did the eyebrow thing that I still talk about.
his pants were really big and I had my shirt tied in a knot in the front to hide a few holes.
small talk about board games and YouTube videos led to a lot of beautiful things,
and still a lot of talk about board games.
he taught me to drive stick shift (not well)
and how to be patient when it takes him 10 minutes to tell a story.
months later and he's still perfect.
sick and sometimes sad, but perfect.