choosing

we fell in love like we dive into cold water - 

with butterflies in our stomach, holding our breath. 

and it stayed that way for a long time - 

trying to trust and be okay with everything happening so fast. 

we took walks in the rain that month, almost every day. 

and we sat outside the art museum, rain hitting the ground all around us, so loud that we had to talk so close our noses touched. 

we decided that we would love. 

without fear of falling or hitting the ground 

without reservations and with many strings attached 

and it has been the best decision so far. 

we decided to love and we have. 

and we have fallen 

and we've hit the ground 

more times than i'd like to count 

but baby

i would decide to love you every day if i could 

and i would sit on a bench in the cold utah rain 

with my nose touching yours 

and decide to love all over again. 

because this year of love has taught me more than a lifetime. 

because this love has taken my heart through oceans and snowstorms and leather couches covered in popcorn crumbs. 

darling i wish there were words that i haven't used yet. 

words that show you a splinter of how i feel. 

i'm amazed that though there are oceans between us, i can still imagine how your face lights up when you talk about the sea. and i can hear your voice tell stories from when you were 14. and i can feel hand on my thigh, like i did during the fall when our car ran on fumes for 4 months. and i'd paint while you skate. and this is all feeling a bit too nostalgic but i am not ashamed. because this love is deeper than love. 

feelings

Avalon

my goggles are squeezing my face 

and i'm squeezing your right hand 

a bag of frozen peas in your left 

we plunge into the water at the same time 

it's so cold but my body adjusts quickly

and our hands separate 

we make eye contact underwater 

and you smile as if you are saying "ready?" 

"yes" 

the peas fall out of the bag and fish come darting up 

swimming around our legs, scratching us

some are so big and some are tiny 

i grab at them because i know it makes you laugh

and i've never seen so many at once 

my hand finds yours again and i can hear you laughing 

through the water 

you know that sound - bubbly and full of air 

we come back up to the surface 

and we laugh and kiss for minutes 

my hand in your right 

empty bag of peas in your left 

City of Salt

i love to watch you concentrate 

your hair has grown so long and one of your curls falls in your face 

you have blue jeans and black shoes 

and the shirt i bought you last year 

your eyes are squinted 

your tongue slightly out of the corner of your mouth 

watching your patient strokes

up down 

up down 

you are so precise, so unlike me 

it is refreshing 

i watch you exhale as you remember to breathe 

you've mixed the most beautiful color

it's the color of your eyes when you're near the sea

you look to me and ask "what do you think?" 

i am in love with it dear

and i haven't even seen it yet 

Pacific Coast Highway 

we're waiting for you and we've already ordered 

it took me a long time to decide what to get

if you were here you'd tell me what's best 

i take a picture of her 

i can't wait to see you 

there aren't any waves, which you hate 

and the marine layer is just beginning to fade away 

i have the window seat and i'm waiting to see you appear 

finally i hear the familiar sound of wheels rolling over the sidewalk 

and my heart beats a little faster 

and you roll into view

you look so cool and you make it look so easy 

your blue shirt is unbuttoned and blowing behind you 

i run to the door and you kiss my forehead 

i feel safe 

Howlands Landing 

we're allowed to be out for one hour exactly 

we meet at the normal spot 

and i have the big white blanket

full of sand from the night before 

i grab your hand and we walk towards the shore 

away from the hundreds were surrounded with all day 

we set it out in the same spot we always do

i think it's the same spot 

we kick off our shoes and stare at the sky 

you know all of the stars 

i pretend to remember them when you teach me 

the time goes by too fast

way too fast

it's 10:52 

i've never felt so in love 

praying for scooters to start

i was born when i met you 

it was fun and it was new 

i inhaled your words 

and exhaled my expectations 

as we exchanged dreams 

and our fathers occupations 

i wish i knew then 

what i've learned over again 

that someone can love you more 

than you ever that you could feel

and that my heart would fall

and that this love is real 

things that matter and things that dont

things that do:

my little brothers happiness

how comfy my shoes are 

feeling safe and being safe 

hard work 

parents 

my parents parents 

time spent 

him 

wearing sunscreen 

feeding yourself healthy food 

god 

picking up my sister when it's raining 

waiting for tea to cool 

my skin 

remembering to take pictures 

smiling 

going to see my sisters room when she redecorates

loving the weather 

things that don't: 

competition 

people who are further ahead in life than me 

the color of my bedsheets 

working on a saturday 

copiers 

how often i shave my legs 

disagreeing on music taste 

who makes more money 

instagram fame

hitting a note wrong 

missing the party 

not finishing the book i didn't like 

long waits 

how about this

how about this 

how about we meet up again in 2 years, a little less 

how about we talk about everything that happened to us

and sing songs to eachother in foreign languages 

how about we stay up all night and all day 

how about we take a road trip and get lost 

and you can make fun of my lack of direction 

how about we make a deal 

an eternal one 

where we will stick together 

thick and thin 

how about it's a small affair 

and then we can run off for months 

how about you grow your hair out real long and i will too 

and we will love the winters because we will grow so close 

and we will love the summers, too, even more

how about we ask the sun to bronze our skin 

and bleach our hair all over again 

how about that

how about we do what we want 

and how about we fall deeper in love 

how about we finish school, studying art and whatever the hell you want 

and then we can get out of here 

and spend our days in the places we will grow to love while we're apart 

how about we go everywhere baby 

how about you study your dreams in germany 

and how about we take a train to a somewhere new  every weekend 

and how about you open your own shop 

and work with your hands, like you love to

and how about we have chickens and bees 

and maybe you'll learn to like eggs 

and how about i paint you paintings forever 

and i teach what i love 

how about we let our kids run with their hearts

and teach them all that we've learned

and we can live by the oceans and near the mountains 

and always keep very close with our mums

how about we don't let our memories end here 

how about that

changing like seasons

fall

i first saw you walking into music 101 

every tuesday and thursday 

9am 

your beanie on, shaved head, i assumed you were someone's

and we finally met at your concert 

you sang into the microphone with no shirt on 

i recognized you from class

and i was wearing a sweatshirt that made me way too hot 

it rained outside 

we said hi and exchanged names

and went separate ways 

winter

it was just going to be a regular night 

throwing a bonfire and inviting a few people

i invited him and he brought you 

i remember hearing you whisper "dude, that's olive"

and i blushed 

we drove in the car and i spilt gasoline on me 

i remember you saying that some girls were beautiful and some were hot 

i wondered if you thought i was either 

few days later on campus, you called and asked if i would meet you at the museum cafe 

i did 

you taught me about the universe 

i was supposed to be studying for american history 

but we made history instead

spring

we saw eachother every day after our first true date

when we rode your scooter to eat gross italian 

and watch whip it and kiss 

and nothing could make me want to be anywhere 

but right by your side

but life doesn't work like that 

so you moved back to california

and i moved home 

and i visited you

and you me 

summer

was one for the movies

full of fate and luck and everything between 

working at a camp all night and day

except for the one day a week we had to ourselves 

to dive in the sea and sail to ship rock 

and lay on the dock at night

watching the bioluminescence 

i watched you cry for the first time 

and we had each others back 

hiking all day and all night 

and laughing at all of the drunks 

because they needed something to make them feel good 

while we just needed eachother 

fall

we fell in love in a house of blue 

and we learned and learned 

from books and from eachother 

we stayed up all nights some nights 

painting on the kitchen floor 

and we fought

but always figured things out 

and we realized we wanted to be together for a long time 

but you were leaving soon 

so we counted down the days 

kissed in the library elevators 

and ate so much thai food 

winter 

you left and i'm leaving soon 

and everything feels good and right 

i talk to your mom almost every day

and i think about you almost every second 

and even though you're gone, i know you're coming back to me

and ill come back to you 

but for now we are learning and growing 

and figuring out how to be the best we can for eachother 

and waiting for our next winter together 

space and things

i was annoyed whenever i read a poem about how we're all made of stars. that our minds were galaxies and our eyes like black holes, drawing eachother in. but he taught me that it's true. that every piece of us has been a piece of one million other things. that matter is neither created nor destroyed. that we don't know if black holes are even real, but if they are, they would be like his eyes. blue and green and sparkling. 

he is stardust. he is unabashedly my sun. unforgivingly everything i've ever needed. he is gone but i revolve around him. making circles. keeping my perfect distance. with the moons i love revolving around me, helping me fall asleep and wake back up. and i hope he knows that i'm revolving for him. i hope to the sun and back that he knows it. 

when the earth fell in love with the sun 

he knew it 

but he had to keep everyone warm 

and spread his light 

and she understood

and she loved him for that

for his light and his warmth