Saturday, April 1, 2017


we fell in love like we dive into cold water - 
with butterflies in our stomach, holding our breath. 
and it stayed that way for a long time - 
trying to trust and be okay with everything happening so fast. 
we took walks in the rain that month, almost every day. 
and we sat outside the art museum, rain hitting the ground all around us, so loud that we had to talk so close our noses touched. 
we decided that we would love. 
without fear of falling or hitting the ground 
without reservations and with many strings attached 
and it has been the best decision so far. 
we decided to love and we have. 
and we have fallen 
and we've hit the ground 
more times than i'd like to count 
but baby
i would decide to love you every day if i could 
and i would sit on a bench in the cold utah rain 
with my nose touching yours 
and decide to love all over again. 
because this year of love has taught me more than a lifetime. 
because this love has taken my heart through oceans and snowstorms and leather couches covered in popcorn crumbs. 
darling i wish there were words that i haven't used yet. 
words that show you a splinter of how i feel. 
i'm amazed that though there are oceans between us, i can still imagine how your face lights up when you talk about the sea. and i can hear your voice tell stories from when you were 14. and i can feel hand on my thigh, like i did during the fall when our car ran on fumes for 4 months. and i'd paint while you skate. and this is all feeling a bit too nostalgic but i am not ashamed. because this love is deeper than love. 

Sunday, March 5, 2017


my goggles are squeezing my face 
and i'm squeezing your right hand 
a bag of frozen peas in your left 
we plunge into the water at the same time 
it's so cold but my body adjusts quickly
and our hands separate 
we make eye contact underwater 
and you smile as if you are saying "ready?" 
the peas fall out of the bag and fish come darting up 
swimming around our legs, scratching us
some are so big and some are tiny 
i grab at them because i know it makes you laugh
and i've never seen so many at once 
my hand finds yours again and i can hear you laughing 
through the water 
you know that sound - bubbly and full of air 
we come back up to the surface 
and we laugh and kiss for minutes 
my hand in your right 
empty bag of peas in your left 

City of Salt
i love to watch you concentrate 
your hair has grown so long and one of your curls falls in your face 
you have blue jeans and black shoes 
and the shirt i bought you last year 
your eyes are squinted 
your tongue slightly out of the corner of your mouth 
watching your patient strokes
up down 
up down 
you are so precise, so unlike me 
it is refreshing 
i watch you exhale as you remember to breathe 
you've mixed the most beautiful color
it's the color of your eyes when you're near the sea
you look to me and ask "what do you think?" 
i am in love with it dear
and i haven't even seen it yet 

Pacific Coast Highway 
we're waiting for you and we've already ordered 
it took me a long time to decide what to get
if you were here you'd tell me what's best 
i take a picture of her 
i can't wait to see you 
there aren't any waves, which you hate 
and the marine layer is just beginning to fade away 
i have the window seat and i'm waiting to see you appear 
finally i hear the familiar sound of wheels rolling over the sidewalk 
and my heart beats a little faster 
and you roll into view
you look so cool and you make it look so easy 
your blue shirt is unbuttoned and blowing behind you 
i run to the door and you kiss my forehead 
i feel safe 

Howlands Landing 
we're allowed to be out for one hour exactly 
we meet at the normal spot 
and i have the big white blanket
full of sand from the night before 
i grab your hand and we walk towards the shore 
away from the hundreds were surrounded with all day 
we set it out in the same spot we always do
i think it's the same spot 
we kick off our shoes and stare at the sky 
you know all of the stars 
i pretend to remember them when you teach me 
the time goes by too fast
way too fast
it's 10:52 
i've never felt so in love 

Sunday, February 26, 2017

praying for scooters to start

i was born when i met you 
it was fun and it was new 
i inhaled your words 
and exhaled my expectations 
as we exchanged dreams 
and our fathers occupations 

i wish i knew then 
what i've learned over again 
that someone can love you more 
than you ever that you could feel
and that my heart would fall
and that this love is real 

Monday, February 20, 2017

things that matter and things that dont

things that do:
my little brothers happiness
how comfy my shoes are 
feeling safe and being safe 
hard work 
my parents parents 
time spent 
wearing sunscreen 
feeding yourself healthy food 
picking up my sister when it's raining 
waiting for tea to cool 
my skin 
remembering to take pictures 
going to see my sisters room when she redecorates
loving the weather 

things that don't: 
people who are further ahead in life than me 
the color of my bedsheets 
working on a saturday 
how often i shave my legs 
disagreeing on music taste 
who makes more money 
instagram fame
hitting a note wrong 
missing the party 
not finishing the book i didn't like 
long waits 

Sunday, February 19, 2017

how about this

how about this 
how about we meet up again in 2 years, a little less 
how about we talk about everything that happened to us
and sing songs to eachother in foreign languages 
how about we stay up all night and all day 
how about we take a road trip and get lost 
and you can make fun of my lack of direction 
how about we make a deal 
an eternal one 
where we will stick together 
thick and thin 
how about it's a small affair 
and then we can run off for months 
how about you grow your hair out real long and i will too 
and we will love the winters because we will grow so close 
and we will love the summers, too, even more
how about we ask the sun to bronze our skin 
and bleach our hair all over again 
how about that
how about we do what we want 
and how about we fall deeper in love 
how about we finish school, studying art and whatever the hell you want 
and then we can get out of here 
and spend our days in the places we will grow to love while we're apart 
how about we go everywhere baby 
how about you study your dreams in germany 
and how about we take a train to a somewhere new  every weekend 
and how about you open your own shop 
and work with your hands, like you love to
and how about we have chickens and bees 
and maybe you'll learn to like eggs 
and how about i paint you paintings forever 
and i teach what i love 
how about we let our kids run with their hearts
and teach them all that we've learned
and we can live by the oceans and near the mountains 
and always keep very close with our mums
how about we don't let our memories end here 
how about that

Sunday, February 12, 2017

changing like seasons

i first saw you walking into music 101 
every tuesday and thursday 
your beanie on, shaved head, i assumed you were someone's
and we finally met at your concert 
you sang into the microphone with no shirt on 
i recognized you from class
and i was wearing a sweatshirt that made me way too hot 
it rained outside 
we said hi and exchanged names
and went separate ways 

it was just going to be a regular night 
throwing a bonfire and inviting a few people
i invited him and he brought you 
i remember hearing you whisper "dude, that's olive"
and i blushed 
we drove in the car and i spilt gasoline on me 
i remember you saying that some girls were beautiful and some were hot 
i wondered if you thought i was either 
few days later on campus, you called and asked if i would meet you at the museum cafe 
i did 
you taught me about the universe 
i was supposed to be studying for american history 
but we made history instead

we saw eachother every day after our first true date
when we rode your scooter to eat gross italian 
and watch whip it and kiss 
and nothing could make me want to be anywhere 
but right by your side
but life doesn't work like that 
so you moved back to california
and i moved home 
and i visited you
and you me 

was one for the movies
full of fate and luck and everything between 
working at a camp all night and day
except for the one day a week we had to ourselves 
to dive in the sea and sail to ship rock 
and lay on the dock at night
watching the bioluminescence 
i watched you cry for the first time 
and we had each others back 
hiking all day and all night 
and laughing at all of the drunks 
because they needed something to make them feel good 
while we just needed eachother 

we fell in love in a house of blue 
and we learned and learned 
from books and from eachother 
we stayed up all nights some nights 
painting on the kitchen floor 
and we fought
but always figured things out 
and we realized we wanted to be together for a long time 
but you were leaving soon 
so we counted down the days 
kissed in the library elevators 
and ate so much thai food 

you left and i'm leaving soon 
and everything feels good and right 
i talk to your mom almost every day
and i think about you almost every second 
and even though you're gone, i know you're coming back to me
and ill come back to you 
but for now we are learning and growing 
and figuring out how to be the best we can for eachother 
and waiting for our next winter together 

Monday, January 16, 2017

space and things

i was annoyed whenever i read a poem about how we're all made of stars. that our minds were galaxies and our eyes like black holes, drawing eachother in. but he taught me that it's true. that every piece of us has been a piece of one million other things. that matter is neither created nor destroyed. that we don't know if black holes are even real, but if they are, they would be like his eyes. blue and green and sparkling. 

he is stardust. he is unabashedly my sun. unforgivingly everything i've ever needed. he is gone but i revolve around him. making circles. keeping my perfect distance. with the moons i love revolving around me, helping me fall asleep and wake back up. and i hope he knows that i'm revolving for him. i hope to the sun and back that he knows it. 

when the earth fell in love with the sun 
he knew it 
but he had to keep everyone warm 
and spread his light 
and she understood
and she loved him for that
for his light and his warmth