Saturday, December 24, 2016

christmas eve

it's 11:00 on christmas eve and i'm laying in bed wide awake 
but not for the same reasons my brother is 
i spent the day with family and it makes me so happy 
i love the warmth and the love and the giving 
and the laughter
but i've had a pit in my stomach the whole day 
and i can't put my finger on why
maybe it's because i won't be here with my family the next time around 
maybe it's because i wish i was with you
and i don't know if you wish you were with me 
because as the 2 houses that separated us
turn to states 
and then continents 
all i can think about is what i would give up to be next to you 
holding your hand 
squeezing 3 times back and forth
love
you
lately my head is a solar system and it's revolving around you 
and i don't even know how solar systems work 
even though you have explained it to me several times 
because every time you go on about black holes and time 
i'm just sinking deeper and deeper into your eyes 
and i'm giving you a big hug with my heart 
and i'm hoping you feel it 
and you laugh because you know i'm not listening 
and you don't care 
so you go on, and i'm sinking and hugging 
and i'm still sinking and hugging but we don't have time to talk about solar systems 
we don't even have time to talk about our day 
and even though i know its for the best 
it's like i'm sinking into something that doesn't exist 
hugging something that's never hugging me back 
and that's okay 
and i'll tell myself it's okay 
and you'll tell me it's okay
and it will be
but if i could just hear you talk about solar systems on repeat 
if i could just feel your hand on my thigh while i'm driving 
if i could feel your arms wrap around me from behind and hear you compliment my cheeks 
if i could taste your lips and your sweet energy as it envelopes me 
maybe this pit in my stomach would leave me alone 
and i wouldnt be wide awake at 11 pm on christmas eve 





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