and i miss you more than words

it was 9:14 when my mom got the call

she ran sobbing into my room

and when she told me 

i didn't believe her 

"no he didn't. no he didn't. no he didn't."

not him

not him

me and my sister

we didn't talk for 3 days 

i think she was afraid she would say something wrong

i was just afraid of breaking down

i've driven past your house every day 

hoping i'd see you in the yard

just like i always used to 

but all i see is a sad swing set

and a flood of memories that never ease the pain

i'm afraid to speak to your mom

what do you say to a mother

with a 17 year-old son sized hole in her heart

that she'll spend her whole life trying to mend

she's been knocked down so many times 

but she keeps getting up

i know you love her with all of your heart

i know you love her with all of your heart

i'm trying not to be angry

at people who are moving on too quickly

and teachers who never said a word about it

and god who let it happen

because i know we're all trying our best

and these things are hard to talk about 

but god, please send him all of my heart-broken love

and tell him again that i love his curly hair

please tell him that i love his smile

and the way he'd get excited when he told stories

please tell him that 

please tell him that

i've cried a sea every day since he left us

and i'm starting to forget how to swim

like a ton of bricks

we started to lay bricks on a thursday

it was a master plan

you said you wanted to build a tower so tall you could kiss the sky

and i wanted whatever you wanted 

so i put my hair up

you put your gloves on

and we got to work

brick by brick we built what i thought was a beautiful love

but to you was just a stunning piece of architecture

it was breathtaking, really

people would stand and stare for hours to watch us build

but baby i played all my aces too soon 

and i ran out of ways to convince you that these bricks have nothing to do with me 

they never did 

we forgot to use mortar 

and it was our fatal flaw

as soon as the cold winds started to blow

our towering establishment fell to the ground

and whether it was my beautiful love or your stunning piece of architecture

we lost it all

the crowds scattered

i took down my hair

and sighed a long sigh of relief 

because i'm afraid of heights

and blue never really was my color 

(just trust me on this one)

when i was really little, i was hung up over not being able to tie my shoelaces
every morning i would try,
but they always came undone and left me with a pair of scraped knees and bruised elbows
i beat my self up over it every single day
and i'd lock myself in my room for hours just trying to get my uncoordinated little fingers to figure my way through what seemed like an impossible maze of loops and holes
i realize now that my problem could have been fixed by my mom's bulk-sized patience
and a little bit of velcro
but at the time it felt important
so it was.

when i was in junior high, the boy i loved, loved my best friend
it felt like the ground was crumbling beneath my feet
and every time i saw either of them,
the heart that i displayed comfortably on my sleeve,
fell right off and quickly through that collapsing terrain
now i realize he was not worth the heartache
and definitely not worth losing a friend
but at the time it felt important
so it was.

two winters ago i felt sad
not go-ride-your-bike-and-take-a-bath-and-you'll-feel-better sad,
it was an i've-been-sad-for-weeks-now-and-i-have-no-idea-why sad
but i kept hearing people's opinions
about how people who say they are sad are "emo" or "too sensitive" or "only asking for attention"
so i didn't really say much about it
and like other hard things, it passed
but at the time it felt important
so it was.

there will be people who make you feel bad about feeling things
there will be people who tell you your sadness isn't real
and that you need to just "get over it"
but rubbing dirt in the wound and biting your tongue is only going to give you an infection and a whole lot of canker sores

i'm here to tell you that your feelings are real and they are important

you are allowed to feel your feelings.

cross my heart hope to die

I love unfinished poetry and unmade beds. 

I love when people begin a sentence and abandon it when they realize they don't know what they want to say. 

I love holes punched through the wall because the girl loves someone else.

 I love the sound people make when they see a falling star. 

I love when they spit when they talk and then apologize for it. 

I love mascara-smeared eyes and shaky-voiced 2 AM confessions. 

I love kisses where teeth collide. 

I fall in love with people in their most honest and vulnerable moments,

 I fall in love with their stained blue jeans and slipped curse words and guilty pleasures. 

Honesty is a reminder that we're surviving, that we've survived a lot of things, and that we'll probably survive whatever comes next. 

Honesty is letting the rain fall and not worrying about getting wet. 

a haiku for every boy i've ever kissed

 

I
flip phone in my hand
heart pounding out of my chest
young love's just too weak

II
two of our talents
were keeping our secrets and
having too many

III
a reckless daydream
you were cold nights and long hikes
never safe or sound

IV
a naive heartbreak
i swear on my life you were
my biggest mistake

V
on long summer nights
we drove fast and kissed slowly
and I felt nothing

VI
you were an expert
at using logarithms
as well as people

VII
goosebumps and cold hands
i still don't know your full name
I don't even care

VIII
forty minute drive
you came to me every week
but I never you

IX
unrequited love
fingers deep in curly hair
now we never speak

X
three lines of a poem
couldn't explain the feeling
that still hasn't left

XI
cold and trembling hands
you said you used wikihow

but you never learned

you had me at 10100110100

sometimes i think i might be a robot... but maybe that's just high school. i don't want to be a robot. i want to love and hurt and cough and sneeze and buy plane tickets.

how i know i might not be a robot:

1. my heart beats. it beats really fast when i'm on roller coasters and when beautiful people look at my eyes. it beats really slow when i'm sleeping i think. but i don't really know that much about science.

2. i'm bad at math. i thought i was good at math until math got hard. robots are good at math.

3. tears come out of my face and i can't choose when they do.

4. i want things that aren't good for me. i want taco bell and attention from mean boys. i want red velvet cake and i want to stay up until 2 every night. i don't want to wear my retainer and i don't want to eat kale. mom if you're reading this i don't want to eat kale.

5. i can't recharge myself for energy. sometimes i sleep for 10 hours and wake up at 5% battery life. sometimes i sleep for 2 hours and wake up at 100% and ready to run, run, run.

7. when my headphones get all tangled up i can untangle them and it only frustrates me a little bit.

8. i skipped number 6. 

9. i don't have to remind myself to inhale and exhale. i take that back. sometimes i do.

10. i get tired of chasing after people. 

11. i color outside the lines.

12. i can feel and hear and smell and see. i don't know if robots can do that, but i know they don't smell ashes and think about spring break in the mountains.

maybe 12 11 reasons isn't enough but i'm tired and i have to go brush my teeth.

the calendar kids

February we met. it was so loud but you were so calm. you just patted your heart to the music, like he told me you would. i looked at you and you looked at the ground. i'd never seen someone so graceful but so bold. you told me i had pretty eyes and i forgot how to use my hands.

March we kissed. we kissed on couches we kissed in trees we kissed in cars and in forests and at the top of mountains. your hands were so soft -- i learned that in february -- but in march i learned that your heart was too.

April we fell. we fell and we fell hard. i fell for your lyrics and your patience. you told me that if you never saw me again, you'd spend the rest of your life searching for someone who could make you feel the way i do. we soared so high, knowing how far we'd fall. then we soared higher and fell further.

May we learned. i learned about the scars on your wrists and the girl that made them worse and what happened with your mom; you learned how to open up.

June we learned how to be apart. it was only a couple weeks at a time. you'd always whisper "we'll be just fine" over the phone and i believed it. i sure as hell believed it because your smile put stars in the sky and your voice put the moon to sleep.

July we explored. we climbed mountains and we swam in water that gave us goosebumps. we drove hours and stayed up till 3 am practicing what we learned in march. we missed trains and didn't care because that meant an excuse to sit and talk for hours longer than our curfews allowed. we'd fallen so far that i wasn't sure if we'd ever hit the ground. i thought maybe we wouldn't. i prayed that we wouldn't.

August you left. you left and 1,000 junes could never have prepared me for it.



now it's February all over again and i always pat my heart to the music -- but when i turn to look at you -- you're never there to look at the ground. oh, how i'd kill just to watch you look at the ground.