sun glow, electric lime, robin egg blue, periwinkle, razzmatazz

i once had a teacher who docked points if you doodled on your papers

she said that flowers distracted from what was really important
what was really important was math

was equations 

capitols 

grammar 

spelling 

but I thought flowers were important

so I doodled 

and I lost points 

don't let the parents get you down
don't let public school get you down
don't let 12 years of adults putting creativity caps on your head and giving you compliments like
"math looks so good on you."
"has anyone ever told you that you would look beautiful in physics?"
"this geography really makes your eyes pop!"
get you down

they took away my crayon boxes and told me to use pencil instead of pen in case I made a mistake
they made me spell "creativity" and "imagination" out loud
they taught me the definitions

and tested me on it every week
but they never told me to try it on

and they never told me it made my legs look long 

or that it complimented my skin 

they took away your crayons when you left third grade but now they're scattered all over the floor of nelson's room so now's your time

to pick one up

and draw some flowers. 

a letter from a 12 year old me

you're going to meet someone who makes your heart run 300 beats per minute
who will compliment your shoes and teach you a drum line
and you're going to think about them every night
but when you realize that if he liked you, he would say more than just "hey cool shoes"
you're going to straighten out your skirt and keep your eyes on the teacher
and it's going to feel incredible 

you're going to meet someone whose voice makes your ears ring
who's going to make you want to rip out your teeth one by one
and you'll put up with them for months
but when you finally realize some people aren't like the weather and they just don't change
you're going to wash your hands and delete their phone number
and it's going to feel amazing

you're going to meet someone who keeps you on your toes and waiting

they'll tell you they love you but treat you like a burden 

and you'll wait for a long time while they walk all over you 

but when someone comes into your life and treats you like gold at the end of a rainbow 

you'll realize that you're even more than that 

you're the whole damn rainbow.

ahem.

i'm not afraid of introducing myself anymore. my heart finally stays at a normal pace when the teacher calls role on the first day of class because i'm no longer afraid that my sheepish "here" is going to sound like my scratched mix CD from 5th grade and send me into a coughing fit. i'm no longer afraid that the "one unique fact about myself" is going to be super lame and the whole class will "BOOOO" me off of the stage of their consideration for coolness.

I'm me. 

me who falls in love every day

who drives too fast but always uses her blinker

me who never double knots her shoelaces

me who smiles with her mouth closed even though her teeth are fixed now

me who is impartial to gum flavors

and can tie cherry stems in her mouth and kisses too many boys

me who is picky about shoes and books and bed sheets

me who never wants to be not seventeen

and who loves her mom so much she says it twice before hanging up in fear of her not hearing it the first time

ranting
bruising
blushing
guitar strumming
cherry-stem-knot tying
electrifying

so here's me, sitting snarly haired in front of you wearing jeans that are too big around the waist and my dad's sweater from high school, with that mix CD tucked safely under my bed along with the other things I don't need anymore; and my heart is maintaining an average pace. I'm going to own this.

"Here."


-b.