choosing

we fell in love like we dive into cold water - 

with butterflies in our stomach, holding our breath. 

and it stayed that way for a long time - 

trying to trust and be okay with everything happening so fast. 

we took walks in the rain that month, almost every day. 

and we sat outside the art museum, rain hitting the ground all around us, so loud that we had to talk so close our noses touched. 

we decided that we would love. 

without fear of falling or hitting the ground 

without reservations and with many strings attached 

and it has been the best decision so far. 

we decided to love and we have. 

and we have fallen 

and we've hit the ground 

more times than i'd like to count 

but baby

i would decide to love you every day if i could 

and i would sit on a bench in the cold utah rain 

with my nose touching yours 

and decide to love all over again. 

because this year of love has taught me more than a lifetime. 

because this love has taken my heart through oceans and snowstorms and leather couches covered in popcorn crumbs. 

darling i wish there were words that i haven't used yet. 

words that show you a splinter of how i feel. 

i'm amazed that though there are oceans between us, i can still imagine how your face lights up when you talk about the sea. and i can hear your voice tell stories from when you were 14. and i can feel hand on my thigh, like i did during the fall when our car ran on fumes for 4 months. and i'd paint while you skate. and this is all feeling a bit too nostalgic but i am not ashamed. because this love is deeper than love. 

feelings

Avalon

my goggles are squeezing my face 

and i'm squeezing your right hand 

a bag of frozen peas in your left 

we plunge into the water at the same time 

it's so cold but my body adjusts quickly

and our hands separate 

we make eye contact underwater 

and you smile as if you are saying "ready?" 

"yes" 

the peas fall out of the bag and fish come darting up 

swimming around our legs, scratching us

some are so big and some are tiny 

i grab at them because i know it makes you laugh

and i've never seen so many at once 

my hand finds yours again and i can hear you laughing 

through the water 

you know that sound - bubbly and full of air 

we come back up to the surface 

and we laugh and kiss for minutes 

my hand in your right 

empty bag of peas in your left 

City of Salt

i love to watch you concentrate 

your hair has grown so long and one of your curls falls in your face 

you have blue jeans and black shoes 

and the shirt i bought you last year 

your eyes are squinted 

your tongue slightly out of the corner of your mouth 

watching your patient strokes

up down 

up down 

you are so precise, so unlike me 

it is refreshing 

i watch you exhale as you remember to breathe 

you've mixed the most beautiful color

it's the color of your eyes when you're near the sea

you look to me and ask "what do you think?" 

i am in love with it dear

and i haven't even seen it yet 

Pacific Coast Highway 

we're waiting for you and we've already ordered 

it took me a long time to decide what to get

if you were here you'd tell me what's best 

i take a picture of her 

i can't wait to see you 

there aren't any waves, which you hate 

and the marine layer is just beginning to fade away 

i have the window seat and i'm waiting to see you appear 

finally i hear the familiar sound of wheels rolling over the sidewalk 

and my heart beats a little faster 

and you roll into view

you look so cool and you make it look so easy 

your blue shirt is unbuttoned and blowing behind you 

i run to the door and you kiss my forehead 

i feel safe 

Howlands Landing 

we're allowed to be out for one hour exactly 

we meet at the normal spot 

and i have the big white blanket

full of sand from the night before 

i grab your hand and we walk towards the shore 

away from the hundreds were surrounded with all day 

we set it out in the same spot we always do

i think it's the same spot 

we kick off our shoes and stare at the sky 

you know all of the stars 

i pretend to remember them when you teach me 

the time goes by too fast

way too fast

it's 10:52 

i've never felt so in love 

praying for scooters to start

i was born when i met you 

it was fun and it was new 

i inhaled your words 

and exhaled my expectations 

as we exchanged dreams 

and our fathers occupations 

i wish i knew then 

what i've learned over again 

that someone can love you more 

than you ever that you could feel

and that my heart would fall

and that this love is real 

things that matter and things that dont

things that do:

my little brothers happiness

how comfy my shoes are 

feeling safe and being safe 

hard work 

parents 

my parents parents 

time spent 

him 

wearing sunscreen 

feeding yourself healthy food 

god 

picking up my sister when it's raining 

waiting for tea to cool 

my skin 

remembering to take pictures 

smiling 

going to see my sisters room when she redecorates

loving the weather 

things that don't: 

competition 

people who are further ahead in life than me 

the color of my bedsheets 

working on a saturday 

copiers 

how often i shave my legs 

disagreeing on music taste 

who makes more money 

instagram fame

hitting a note wrong 

missing the party 

not finishing the book i didn't like 

long waits 

how about this

how about this 

how about we meet up again in 2 years, a little less 

how about we talk about everything that happened to us

and sing songs to eachother in foreign languages 

how about we stay up all night and all day 

how about we take a road trip and get lost 

and you can make fun of my lack of direction 

how about we make a deal 

an eternal one 

where we will stick together 

thick and thin 

how about it's a small affair 

and then we can run off for months 

how about you grow your hair out real long and i will too 

and we will love the winters because we will grow so close 

and we will love the summers, too, even more

how about we ask the sun to bronze our skin 

and bleach our hair all over again 

how about that

how about we do what we want 

and how about we fall deeper in love 

how about we finish school, studying art and whatever the hell you want 

and then we can get out of here 

and spend our days in the places we will grow to love while we're apart 

how about we go everywhere baby 

how about you study your dreams in germany 

and how about we take a train to a somewhere new  every weekend 

and how about you open your own shop 

and work with your hands, like you love to

and how about we have chickens and bees 

and maybe you'll learn to like eggs 

and how about i paint you paintings forever 

and i teach what i love 

how about we let our kids run with their hearts

and teach them all that we've learned

and we can live by the oceans and near the mountains 

and always keep very close with our mums

how about we don't let our memories end here 

how about that

changing like seasons

fall

i first saw you walking into music 101 

every tuesday and thursday 

9am 

your beanie on, shaved head, i assumed you were someone's

and we finally met at your concert 

you sang into the microphone with no shirt on 

i recognized you from class

and i was wearing a sweatshirt that made me way too hot 

it rained outside 

we said hi and exchanged names

and went separate ways 

winter

it was just going to be a regular night 

throwing a bonfire and inviting a few people

i invited him and he brought you 

i remember hearing you whisper "dude, that's olive"

and i blushed 

we drove in the car and i spilt gasoline on me 

i remember you saying that some girls were beautiful and some were hot 

i wondered if you thought i was either 

few days later on campus, you called and asked if i would meet you at the museum cafe 

i did 

you taught me about the universe 

i was supposed to be studying for american history 

but we made history instead

spring

we saw eachother every day after our first true date

when we rode your scooter to eat gross italian 

and watch whip it and kiss 

and nothing could make me want to be anywhere 

but right by your side

but life doesn't work like that 

so you moved back to california

and i moved home 

and i visited you

and you me 

summer

was one for the movies

full of fate and luck and everything between 

working at a camp all night and day

except for the one day a week we had to ourselves 

to dive in the sea and sail to ship rock 

and lay on the dock at night

watching the bioluminescence 

i watched you cry for the first time 

and we had each others back 

hiking all day and all night 

and laughing at all of the drunks 

because they needed something to make them feel good 

while we just needed eachother 

fall

we fell in love in a house of blue 

and we learned and learned 

from books and from eachother 

we stayed up all nights some nights 

painting on the kitchen floor 

and we fought

but always figured things out 

and we realized we wanted to be together for a long time 

but you were leaving soon 

so we counted down the days 

kissed in the library elevators 

and ate so much thai food 

winter 

you left and i'm leaving soon 

and everything feels good and right 

i talk to your mom almost every day

and i think about you almost every second 

and even though you're gone, i know you're coming back to me

and ill come back to you 

but for now we are learning and growing 

and figuring out how to be the best we can for eachother 

and waiting for our next winter together 

space and things

i was annoyed whenever i read a poem about how we're all made of stars. that our minds were galaxies and our eyes like black holes, drawing eachother in. but he taught me that it's true. that every piece of us has been a piece of one million other things. that matter is neither created nor destroyed. that we don't know if black holes are even real, but if they are, they would be like his eyes. blue and green and sparkling. 

he is stardust. he is unabashedly my sun. unforgivingly everything i've ever needed. he is gone but i revolve around him. making circles. keeping my perfect distance. with the moons i love revolving around me, helping me fall asleep and wake back up. and i hope he knows that i'm revolving for him. i hope to the sun and back that he knows it. 

when the earth fell in love with the sun 

he knew it 

but he had to keep everyone warm 

and spread his light 

and she understood

and she loved him for that

for his light and his warmth 

christmas eve

it's 11:00 on christmas eve and i'm laying in bed wide awake 

but not for the same reasons my brother is 

i spent the day with family and it makes me so happy 

i love the warmth and the love and the giving 

and the laughter

but i've had a pit in my stomach the whole day 

and i can't put my finger on why

maybe it's because i won't be here with my family the next time around 

maybe it's because i wish i was with you

and i don't know if you wish you were with me 

because as the 2 houses that separated us

turn to states 

and then continents 

all i can think about is what i would give up to be next to you 

holding your hand 

squeezing 3 times back and forth

i 

love

you

lately my head is a solar system and it's revolving around you 

and i don't even know how solar systems work 

even though you have explained it to me several times 

because every time you go on about black holes and time 

i'm just sinking deeper and deeper into your eyes 

and i'm giving you a big hug with my heart 

and i'm hoping you feel it 

and you laugh because you know i'm not listening 

and you don't care 

so you go on, and i'm sinking and hugging 

and i'm still sinking and hugging but we don't have time to talk about solar systems 

we don't even have time to talk about our day 

and even though i know its for the best 

it's like i'm sinking into something that doesn't exist 

hugging something that's never hugging me back 

and that's okay 

and i'll tell myself it's okay 

and you'll tell me it's okay

and it will be

but if i could just hear you talk about solar systems on repeat 

if i could just feel your hand on my thigh while i'm driving 

if i could feel your arms wrap around me from behind and hear you compliment my cheeks 

if i could taste your lips and your sweet energy as it envelopes me 

maybe this pit in my stomach would leave me alone 

and i wouldnt be wide awake at 11 pm on christmas eve 

unfriendly reminders

Things that remind me of him: 

bad parking jobs

islands 

tan skin 

abba zabbas

the gummy bears from sprouts 

sweaty hands 

the sky at night when you can see the stars 

the bottom floor of the library 

natural lighting 

the sound of a skateboard on the sidewalk 

thai food 

airports 

sailboats 

being underwater 

tipping the waiter 

bad sushi 

car accidents 

slammed doors 

long hugs 

sand 

adventure time 

christmas lights 

knee high socks 

southern utah 

not letting the car idle 

eye glasses cleaner 

the smell of gamsol and oil paints 

slow dancing on the deck 

I-15 

protein

my little brother 

everything else 

Miraculous

is the only word that can come close to describing this love

this love is buying plane tickets and hiking across islands
this love is walking through the rain to find out that the indian place closes at 9
this loving is keeping both hands on the steering wheel

while i have no idea how many sleepless nights are to come
i know i'll always remember
the way your hand cups my cheek
and the way you talk about your mom
when we sat down at dinner and you said
in one breath
"let's say 5 things we love about each other i'll go first"
and how you introduce me to your friends
i won't forget your jawline or how your eyes change color in the light
or when you made me give you a kiss every time i stopped holding your hand on campus
i'll never forget when we first kissed and the world spun around us
and we both knew it was right
or when we stayed up until 3 am talking on our first date in my stupid dorm living room
i'll never forget the beaches we laid on
or the stories you told
and the way your eyes opened wide while telling them

i'll never forget the way you make me feel
like i'm worth more than money could buy
but if money could
you would
no matter the cost

He's

He's about 5000 miles away but it feels like he's in my lungs.

I have the way his eyes light up when he talks about his mom stuck in my head.

The more I think about it, 

he is a different world that collided with mine. 

I'm a broken record playing scenes of sandy kisses and staying up until 3 am talking. 

the things I wanted you to tell me

things I wanted you to tell me:

"my life got better when you came in" 

"id like to hang out with you forever"

"you're the most beautiful thing i've ever had"

"you make me proud"

"how did I get so lucky"

"i'm going to get better, then we're going to get better"

"your eyes alone could make gray skies blue"

things you told me:

"i love you"

a haiku for every boy i've ever kissed: continued

I
flip phone in my hand
heart pounding out of my chest
young love's just too weak

II
two of our talents
were keeping our secrets and
having too many

III
a reckless daydream
you were cold nights and long hikes
never safe or sound

IV
a naive heartbreak
i swear on my life you were
my biggest mistake

V
on long summer nights
we drove fast and kissed slowly
and I felt nothing

VI
you were an expert
at using logarithms
as well as people

VII
goosebumps and cold hands
i still don't know your full name
I don't even care

VIII
forty minute drive
you came to me every week
but I never you

IX
unrequited love
fingers deep in curly hair
now we never speak

X
three lines of a poem
couldn't explain the feeling
that still hasn't left

XI
cold and trembling hands
you said you used wikihow
but you never learned

XII
8 years I loved you
8 years I never told you
2 years til I can

XIII
patience and passion
long hair and sapphire eyes
i wish you were mine

september 4th

we met at the Latin Festival. It was fantastic, really.
we ate Mexican paprika corn and he did the eyebrow thing that I still talk about.
his pants were really big and I had my shirt tied in a knot in the front to hide a few holes.
small talk about board games and YouTube videos led to a lot of beautiful things,
and still a lot of talk about board games.
he taught me to drive stick shift (not well)
and how to be patient when it takes him 10 minutes to tell a story.
months later and he's still perfect.
sick and sometimes sad, but perfect.

trying to figure all of this shit out

Love is not caring about morning breath.
Love is giving you my mittens because your hands are colder.
Love is "did you make it home safe?"
Love is staying home from parties
and kissing in parking lots.
Love is responding to a text with a phone call.
Love is silence.
Love is how your hand fits on my waist.
Love is San Francisco and Russia and South America and North America, too.
Love is for 6 year olds and 18 year olds and 90 year olds.
Love is

Track 1

you looked out the window in my room
you said look at that moon
i thought "look at that face"
you rode 800 miles per hour
300 thousand horse power
700 long days

it was 3 am sitting in your car
under those bright northwestern kind of stars
your heart skipped a beat
when the shadow of the trees
danced against the windows
to the beat of you and me

the boy next door

i'm writing this because i'm home alone and i have too many thoughts and no one to share them with

i just traveled the world for a month
and the day before i left
he told me he would miss me
he said he would miss me "so much"
and it wasn't because i would be gone for a month
but because after that
he'd leave for two years
he said we still had camping trips to go on
and mountains to climb
and i couldn't help but wonder why he waited to long


after we kissed the second time
i told him i've been wanting to kiss him for a while
he asked how long
i said "years"
i didn't tell him it was 6
but that precious side smile on his tired face told me that "years"
was long enough to make his heart beat a little bit faster


i'll try not to be too sentimental
there's a lot of things we never got the chance to say
or hear
but for now i'll keep in touch with your sister, your brothers, and maybe even you
and when you get home maybe i'll tell you everything i never have
and that i can't stop listening to that bright eyes album you showed me

this is a lot more sentimental than i wanted it to be

i've been trying my best to convince myself that i'm not going to miss this place
but there's a reason we spent all of prom talking about cartoons we watched when we were 9
though i may not miss the prison-like halls tattooed with inspirational quotes that i only pretend to read when avoiding eye contact,
i think i might miss parts of this
being 17 -- on the cusp of freedom and adulthood but still hanging on by a few threads
plus staying out late on school nights is more fun when you're not supposed to
and i think when we go out with a bang, we'll listen for the echo

everyone keeps telling me "you're done"
but i don't feel done
because even though we are finished with the fitness gram and arena scheduling,
there are still janitors who have to clean suicide notes off of bathroom stalls
so i'm gonna try and keep all this
in here
in two weeks we won't be known as the stoners, the players, or the not on sunday-ers
we'll be who we want to be

and hopefully real talk will be much more than a poetry assignment

fading

this morning i forgot what you sound like
last week i forgot what you smell like
4 months ago i forgot what you tasted like
and i'm starting to forget
why i'm trying so hard
to remember

here's the thing

you've made my heart stop 4000 times since i've met you

and conditioned my heart to racing for years

now it can outrun the best

you keep thinking you're in love 

but your love is a brand new white t-shirt 

that's dingy after a few hikes and climbs

but you wear it until it rips

my love is satin and it's been passed down

generation to generation

it's been red and blue and yellow once, for a few weeks

and aside from a few stains,

i try to keep it clean

every time i write a poem

it's meant to be about someone else

but it's always about you

one time a boy told me i always smelled 

like sunflowers

and before i thanked him or even blushed

i turned to see if you heard